My mother’s most earnest gift of wisdom she bestowed on me the eve before my wedding as we snuggled, gossiped and relieved the pent up stress of entertaining familial masses was “learn how to fight well.” This was interesting because my sweetheart and I had not yet battled over anything more intense than how many place settings are reasonable to request on our registry (what weighs stronger: the capacity of existing cabinets or a lifetime of slippery-fingered offspring?).
Her point was reiterated this evening during a lively seafood supper with my mother-in-law. She imparted the wisdom her own mother had given to her about the subtle art of cacophonous dispute and was shocked to learn that, even during our extensive travels half-way around the world, my husband and I had not argued.
This is not to say I hibernate naively behind those rosy-hued glasses through which I prefer to view my blessed life. An environment awash with hormones, differing opinions and extenuating circumstances will at some point spark the heated quarrel that we have, up to this point, so blissfully eclipsed thanks to that potent extinguisher called compromise. No matter how inconsequential the debate we listen actively, we persuade patiently, we speak at room temperature, we back-down graciously, and we always, always touch – during and after.
Thankfully, for my mother’s peace of mind, I’ve always been an exemplary student.
Her point was reiterated this evening during a lively seafood supper with my mother-in-law. She imparted the wisdom her own mother had given to her about the subtle art of cacophonous dispute and was shocked to learn that, even during our extensive travels half-way around the world, my husband and I had not argued.
This is not to say I hibernate naively behind those rosy-hued glasses through which I prefer to view my blessed life. An environment awash with hormones, differing opinions and extenuating circumstances will at some point spark the heated quarrel that we have, up to this point, so blissfully eclipsed thanks to that potent extinguisher called compromise. No matter how inconsequential the debate we listen actively, we persuade patiently, we speak at room temperature, we back-down graciously, and we always, always touch – during and after.
Thankfully, for my mother’s peace of mind, I’ve always been an exemplary student.
3 comments:
I have concluded that fighting never really solves a problem. It just leaves scars. The art of compromise is the most essential lesson that anyone in a relationship of any sort can ever learn!
Before we were married, my wife & I were exactly the same.
Then - I forgot to take out the trash and the garbagemen had already come and gone.
Oh, Lord...
Yep Phil's got it.
My take:
Fighting. Everything is theoretical until it happens to you. There are several tried & true responses after a few years:
a.) Yes, Dear (for both sexes, and try and mean it, well sorta)
b.) Yes, Dear (and largely ignore the issue).
c.) Argue it out and get frustrated & on your high horses. Go away angry. (The amateur's lament).
d.) Most of c, but then agree to disagree, after listening to each other and recognizing that each view may be valid, given certain conditions. Compromise where necessary, possible & preferable. (The Jessica Proposal or the Happy Warrior, 'Won't you see it my way, Dear?')
e.) Avoidance. (Sometimes accompanied by it's larger twin, Denial). May work quite well for some smaller issues for years.
f.) The argument by way of discovery. (The Lawyerly set). Almost self explanatory, but the bane of many a DC/ 'intellectual' marriage, for obvious reasons. Argument by way of sport & 'engagement'. Works best while courting somehow, less so when married for any length of time. (This is where the b. above comes in really handy).
For the long married guys, we're usually reduced to different versions of a&b. And the women largely appreciate it that way!
Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
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